How to Build Confidence: A Wise Way

I want to give you something that’s still in high demand, even with the overwhelming amount of self-help advice out there: Confidence.

This isn’t some surface-level list of hacks or motivational fluff. I’m offering you an unconventional way of looking at how to get more confidence—a view that’s grounded in lived-experience.

But first let's answer a couple of basic questions

What Even Is Confidence?

In researching this word, I read loads of definitions of confidence, but none of them hit quite right. So I came up with my own:

Confidence is the belief in one's ability to gracefully move through life's challenges, difficulties and adversities—all being underpinned by trust.

Trust is the anchor becuase confidence isn’t fixed. You can feel unstoppable one day and like a total imposter the next.

Where Does a Lack of Confidence Come From?

It comes from everywhere—situational stuff, trauma, biology, life events. I remember the COVID era. Confidence fell off a cliff for a lot of people. We were stuck at home, left to our thoughts, and that tricky mind started embedding some pretty unhelpful, self-defeating stories. Other situations where one loses confidence:

• Lose a job? Lose confidence.

• Fail at something? Same.

• Go through a breakup? Yep.
  

There’s also deeper stuff: trauma—emotional, physical, verbal, ancestral. And of course, mental health. Chronic stress hijacks your nervous system, throws off your prefrontal cortex (the bit responsible for decision making and logic), and suddenly the calm, rational side of you isn’t accessible. You’re in fight, flight or freeze.

Building Confidence through DIY

I'll give you a real example. In my more recent years, I've been told I seem quite confident. The inner work does truly pay off. But I remember recently I needed to put up shelves in our house. Sounds simple. But I’d never drilled through plasterboard before. I crumbled a bit. I had drilled through concrete before but not plasterboard. I looked at the box of shelves and felt stuck.

What if I drilled into a wire? Would that blow the elecricity? What if I got the measurements wrong and had to fill the holes and repaint? Would I find the right colour paint of the wall? The colour wouldn't match even if I did, the original has faded over time. I'd need to paint the whole wall. Jeez, I better get this right on the first attempt.

So I procrastinated. And that box sat in the corner for a while. Until I finally got sick of looking at them. So I Youtube'd what I needed to know. A five-minute video gave me the information to act. And here's where trust comes in. I'm not trusting the video. I'm trusting myself. Trusting myself that I understand what to do from the video. Trusting myself to plan and execute the hanging up of those shelves. And I did. I chose to trust myself and act. I chose to trust that if something went wrong, I'd work that out too. The shelves went up. No major errors. And I gained a little extra confidence in the DIY department.

The Real Goal: Not Giving a Shit (In the Right Way)

Where are we all trying to get to with confidence? What’s the actual end goal here?

I believe we’re trying to get to a place of not giving a shit. Simple.

Now, this isn’t about being arrogant, rude, or better than anyone else. I’m talking about an inner peace. That deep, unshakable feeling where other people’s opinions don’t rattle you anymore.

You know that peaceful vibe some elderly folks have? That’s it. They’ve lived a life. They’ve seen stuff. They just don’t stress over what others think. They don't sweat the small stuff. Or even big stuff for some.

There’s this book, The Top Five Regrets of the Dying by Bronnie Ware. The #1 regret? Not living a life true to themselves, but instead, living according to others’ expectations.

So now we know this for the wiser folks, let's not wait until we're at that stage before living it. There's the inner work and tools available now to get there much much quicker.

It’s not as simple as waking up one day and saying, "Right, I’m gonna be brave now." There needs to be meaning to one's life, a strategy and routine to stay connected.

So let’s break it down. What does the inner work look like:

Step 1: Self-Awareness

Begin deeply exploring the answers to the likes of:

• Who am I?

• What's important to me?

• What's the vision for my life?

• What are my strengths that I enjoy?

• What limiting beliefs are holding me back?
  

Like the classic: “I’m not good enough.” Or “I’m not smart enough.”

Strip that crap away. Get honest. Once you do, you’ll start making aligned decisions and living your own life.

Step 2: Prime Your Mindset Daily

You need some sort of routine. Something to stay connected to you and what's true for you. For me, it’s waking up early, before the world starts moving. My mornings are sacred and I can draw from a whole range of tools to shift my state of being. My clients don't have to follow suit, they just have to find what works for them. When they do, it's just a better, more effective and purpose-fueled day.

Because if you don’t own your state of being, the world will own it for you. You’ll wake up, reach for your phone, start comparing yourself on socials and boom—confidence eroded in 15 minutes flat.

Step 3: Take Courageous Action.

This is the game changer. Because confidence doesn’t come from books or motivational memes. It comes from taking action.

Science calls it neuroplasticity—your brain’s ability to rewire itself based on new experiences. The more times you repeat the experience, the more your brain forms those neural networks related to that experience.

But when starting, it will require courageous action. There will be friction in the brain processing the event. It will put you out of your depth a little. But that forces you to grow. In saying this, some events like public speaking require courageous action every time. That's just innate to being human I guess.

But if you can consistently take aligned (meaningful) action, you’ll start building an emotional memory of confidence. You’ll look back and realise: “I’ve been in harder situations and I figured it out.”

Like the shelves. I’ve got another box sitting there waiting. I already know I’ll be 1% better next time.

Step 4: Accountability

When no one’s watching, it’s easy to quit. But when someone is watching? You show up different.

Accountability isn’t just about being monitored. It creates connection. It fires off oxytocin (the bonding hormone) and dopamine (the reward hormone). That stuff matters when you’re tackling scary goals.

Get a buddy, a coach, a community. Eventually, you’ll fly solo. But when you’re starting out, accountability is a worthy investment.

Final Thought: It’s a Gradual Climb

Getting to that place of inner peace (not giving a shit like the oldies) does take time. It’s not overnight, you don't follow a 4-step plan then boom, you’re unshakeable. It’s gradual. But in applying this formula, you'll notice how you're being affected overtime. The first thing my clients notice is the embodyment of calm. That's an energy state that perfectly enables one to take courageous action. Then the rest takes care of itself. It feeds itself. It's like the vicious circle of self-doubt but in reverse.

And then, one day when you’re old, sitting in a home, with or without robots looking after you, you’ll look back, proud. Proud you chose courage. That you faced fear. That you gave life a proper shot.

That’s the place we’re all trying to get to, isn't it?!

Aren't we all just trying to grow? Trying to express our fullest potential in life?

Until next time,

Richie